Life in the Sandbox

Did I ever really leave Iraq?

My life there was music, guard duty, free food, exercise, and a lot of missing loved ones. Part of me still thinks that way, and is afraid of the differences I have with people that have not been through similar rigors. I spent every waking moment, and for that matter every sleeping moment as well, ready to chamber a round, aim, and protect myself and those around me. I was always aware of the closest bunker, and was constantly worrying about things like gravel becoming projectiles, listening for sounds, and visualizing the enemy in all of its various potential faces. It gave a mission to my sense of worry, and placed worth on my tendency to obsess.

I did enjoy a bit of star watching and photography. When I was missing the sony camera that got destroyed with water damage a few years ago, I was reminded of the time I photographed the space station flying overhead . It had a huge lens for a point and shoot, and though the MP were relatively low, the image quality was better than most 12MP point and shoots today. I entertained myself with laser photography, and even got to view the entire transit of Venus across the disk of the Sun. Using cds for filters, my rifle scope, and the trusty sony camera, I got some decent blue tinted solar disks with a nice black dot on them.

Probably the most memorable PT test of my army career was the one during my first deployment. We did pushups and situps in the fine moon dust behind our trailers, then loaded up in the back of a transport vehicle to run along the road. I also ran ten miles for the first and second times in Iraq. I got to carry a pizza, freshly ordered halfway through the run, the three miles back to my trailer, shouting "Motivation!" to the onlookers who did a double-take as I passed by. I wasn't among the trail blazers of the war, so there was plenty of air conditioning to be found. The buildings were made of sea shell filled stone, which contained the cool and blocked out the light, turning a furnace into a cave.

My pass to Quatar resided in an AC cooled warehouse with AC cooled tents set up inside, a real treat. I passed my beer tickets on to others, except one, which i took a picture of and still remember as I ate at a sports bar alone. When you are that far from your loved ones, all you have is your ability to make mental notes and create memories from things that you don't expect to ever do again. Oddly the things that I did repeatedly are harder to remember, I guess that will change the farther I get from the experience. I hope to write again soon explaining the fun of meeting local folk, practicing, and going on walks with friends.

Peace out

minoring in the majors

Last week I was at West Point for a Brass instrument repair clinic, and in many ways it was the culmination of a few years of tinkering, a brave look at life beyond performance, a look into the path not chosen, a chance to have a respectable social life, a return to my cold weather roots, love of the outdoors and a chance to prove my integrity to myself and my wife. I advanced on every single front, and even saved a bit of money as I experienced all of this.

I brought a book home that gave me a look into our fears of terrorism and helped me put a finger on some of the nameless fears that have kept me silent and stiff since I joined the Army. Then during a two hour kids class I chatted man to man with one of the most respected persons I have met at the West Acres Baptist Church. Not only validating some of my mental subroutines, he helped me decompress from being in the Army and feel like I have made more than trivial progress towards being a Christian husband and father. You know you have had a good conversation when you step out of it looking at yourself and the other person with a type of smile that you had only vaguely subconsciously hoped for.

So much of our dreams are locked away in the 'not allowed' section of our brains and it comes as a brilliant ray that comes from a deep unlocked potential and ability to obey and trust that things may actually have taken a positive turn.

I know that the outward experience of having extra money, freedom from home responsibilities, beautiful scenery and long-wanted training can be used by the devil as he did with Job that my change is circumstantial. I am aware of that downfall, and as I return slowly to my responsibilities in my less spectacular situation I realize that I am not really stepping down at all but returning to my higher purpose after a short retreat to what I view to be the core of our military pride and strength, and getting back in the trenches with my lovely wife who deserves to see more than hope, more than another season of waiting.

Viewing my Kids as the Adults they will be is the star of the show, and I having stepped aside to work returned to a surprise at the Airport validating my greatest happiness that they really want me in their life and I have a reason to continue growing.

Time travel

I have been a student of science and ever since and even before I studied Feynman, Hawking and a book on different thoughts on time, I have been transported out of my own sense of life and have given no thought to what 'normal' friends and family of mine consider basic considerations.

This fact is true because of and evidenced by the fact that still to this day I have little knowledge of the scope of things I have missed out on. This past year has entailed slowing down, coming down off a five year mission to boldly go where none of my friends or family have gone--into the ARMY, Iraq and Georgia. The last being tongue in cheek of course.

Several planets have aligned to produce a mental picture of age as my health has finally given into adrenaline abuse and I spent almost a year dealing with asthma and finally getting some professional counseling. I have 'arrived' so to speak at a juncture where I do not wish to change certain external circumstances such as having a fulfilling job, house, young family, and a wide variety of trombones to get under my belt. My drive to get somewhere has lost direction since I have much of what I always wanted.

This drives me in new directions as I slow down enough to think. (literally my skill in running for the ARMY was based on running AWAY from people I thought I loved) Now I am learning that I really do have the growing capacity to love, serve, work, pray, etc. It is just incredible that I have put myself in a time capsule and expect everyone else to be where I left them 5, 7, or more years ago.

One of the more poingant driving forces has been my inability to connect with friends that are far away, through Facebook, and the lack of response shows that I am unskilled at basic communication. As a new friend put it, small talk.

The event of this evening and a very real experience has been the apprehension dealing with change that has happened back in Rocketown. A mentor tutor and friend has changed jobs, made some major moves, and it comes as a surprise and shock to me. I have started researching and trying to find out how things are going for him, and was in all kinds of turmoil as I read a blog post by someone who is replacing him. One sentence did confirm that he is still at one of the jobs he had while my mentor, so for now I have been relieved.

This post comes as a realization that I have removed myself from everyone I know, In a sense to follow the biblical demand that a husband and wife leave their families and cleave to one another. Through success as a result of unnumbered persons and efforts, I have truly begun to cleave to my wife, (after her hanging on by herself for ten years) and thus am attempting to see where my selfish wanderings have left my relationships and personal history.

Everytime until now I have sat down to write I include wants and desires, and end up in cycles of wishing for things I wouldn't allow myself to have. But I am a person, and wish to be free of the isolation that has been my credo since I got the chance to perform of my own accord in my childhood.

I played for relatives funerals and a wedding, but felt separated as if that were the only gift I was capable of giving them. The more I look back and try to see where I came from, the more I realize that being a trombonist is nothing if I am not first and foremost good at relationships.

With that being said, This is a public thank you to all those friends who have patiently waited for me to come out of my chrysalis, and a statement of renewed commitment to learn to maintain long distance friendships, professional, Christian, personal, and general, beyond what scope I have allowed myself to live in since youth.