Time travel

I have been a student of science and ever since and even before I studied Feynman, Hawking and a book on different thoughts on time, I have been transported out of my own sense of life and have given no thought to what 'normal' friends and family of mine consider basic considerations.

This fact is true because of and evidenced by the fact that still to this day I have little knowledge of the scope of things I have missed out on. This past year has entailed slowing down, coming down off a five year mission to boldly go where none of my friends or family have gone--into the ARMY, Iraq and Georgia. The last being tongue in cheek of course.

Several planets have aligned to produce a mental picture of age as my health has finally given into adrenaline abuse and I spent almost a year dealing with asthma and finally getting some professional counseling. I have 'arrived' so to speak at a juncture where I do not wish to change certain external circumstances such as having a fulfilling job, house, young family, and a wide variety of trombones to get under my belt. My drive to get somewhere has lost direction since I have much of what I always wanted.

This drives me in new directions as I slow down enough to think. (literally my skill in running for the ARMY was based on running AWAY from people I thought I loved) Now I am learning that I really do have the growing capacity to love, serve, work, pray, etc. It is just incredible that I have put myself in a time capsule and expect everyone else to be where I left them 5, 7, or more years ago.

One of the more poingant driving forces has been my inability to connect with friends that are far away, through Facebook, and the lack of response shows that I am unskilled at basic communication. As a new friend put it, small talk.

The event of this evening and a very real experience has been the apprehension dealing with change that has happened back in Rocketown. A mentor tutor and friend has changed jobs, made some major moves, and it comes as a surprise and shock to me. I have started researching and trying to find out how things are going for him, and was in all kinds of turmoil as I read a blog post by someone who is replacing him. One sentence did confirm that he is still at one of the jobs he had while my mentor, so for now I have been relieved.

This post comes as a realization that I have removed myself from everyone I know, In a sense to follow the biblical demand that a husband and wife leave their families and cleave to one another. Through success as a result of unnumbered persons and efforts, I have truly begun to cleave to my wife, (after her hanging on by herself for ten years) and thus am attempting to see where my selfish wanderings have left my relationships and personal history.

Everytime until now I have sat down to write I include wants and desires, and end up in cycles of wishing for things I wouldn't allow myself to have. But I am a person, and wish to be free of the isolation that has been my credo since I got the chance to perform of my own accord in my childhood.

I played for relatives funerals and a wedding, but felt separated as if that were the only gift I was capable of giving them. The more I look back and try to see where I came from, the more I realize that being a trombonist is nothing if I am not first and foremost good at relationships.

With that being said, This is a public thank you to all those friends who have patiently waited for me to come out of my chrysalis, and a statement of renewed commitment to learn to maintain long distance friendships, professional, Christian, personal, and general, beyond what scope I have allowed myself to live in since youth.